There Is So Much To Be Said. How Might We Actually Create The Space To Say It?
This was originally meant to be a poem. Maybe it still is.
If you’ve been following my work for a while, you know that I have a project called The Collective Collective, where I ask you all a question, and then write a poem from your answers. Okay, I used to do this every week, but life has been life-ing *gestures broadly* ya know? But it’s in my calendar for November. Because I learn so much about you every time I dothis project. Because I learn so much from you every time I do this project. Because I believe that we can go so much further together.
So yesterday I asked all of you, “What have you been meaning to say?'“ and some themes formed from your answers: admissions of how you actually feel (I feel lost / I feel lonely / I feel sad) admissions of what you want to ask someone for (I want to feel seen / I want reassurance / I want help carrying the weight / I want to be held), and admissions that things can’t go on the way they are (I know you are unhappy and I know you are the one who has to take action for yourself / I’m tired of your expectations, they’re too heavy / this takes too much energy).
We’ve been meaning to say we disagree. We’ve been meaning to say that what they said tore us apart. We’ve been meaning to say we know, we see, we can feel it. We’ve been meaning to say we need to have a conversation. We’ve been meaning to say we’re sorry.
As I read through hundreds of responses (I want to open up but I’m scared that no one will understand / I want change but I’m terrified / I want help but I don’t know how to ask for it / I’ve been meaning to say I love you / I love us / I want you here / I’ve been meaning to say so much / I’ve been meaning to say stay), I kept thinking, “What would happen if every person behind these answers said the thing they want to say? Is saying what we mean, saying what we need, saying where it hurts and how someone might make it right, acknowledging where we messed up and asking how we can make it right all its own kind of revolution?”
I’ve been thinking about This Time We’re Living In, which is a time where there is so much subtext and unwritten code of how to behave, how to show up, how to demonstrate what we believe and how we all have our shit together and know the right products to use (that is: consume). We must declare our stances, and must not ask questions. We must be certain and not have any followup questions. We must stick to our position and never admit when we got something wrong. We must cancel each other, do a slow fade, or ghost completely. We have become really good at cutting people out. We are more concerned with optics than the messy work that is being in relationship with each other, learning from each other, offering grace to and receiving grace from each other.
We are living in a time where you’d better know how you feel, where you stand, and how to express it. and the reality is that we fumble and stammer and get it wrong all the time. And, we shift and change and grow when we are open to stand corrected, to learn from someone else’s experience, when we allow others to call us to something higher. We are going to get it wrong, say it incorrectly, and probably look a little stupid. We must make space for this to happen in order to get back in the proverbial room with each other.
I am in the business (literally) of inviting people to share from their experience, their history, their true selves. And in order to create spaces that people feel comfortable enough… no, comfortable isn’t the right word.. that people feel safe enough to share. Look at this practice: I put up a question box and have the audacity to ask what you’ve been meaning to say, and you are willing to spill. That requires a certain code of trust: that I will be a worthy witness to your words. That I’m not just asking for you to share and that’s where the interaction ends; no, you are willing to share your experience, and I take time to listen, to write every single response down, to see how your words connect to someone else, that someone else might feel similarly, or that someone might need to hear what you are trying to say. That we might see ourselves in each other’s response. Or might see that someone is carrying something we have never even considered. Together, through this practice, we do the tedious, beautiful, imperfect work of belonging to each other.
I asked you what needs to be in place in order for us to even hope to have these conversations, because the solution isn’t just “just say the thing that’s on your mind no matter what!” and together, you’ve crowdsourced a beautiful way towards a more beautiful world: you said that there must be trust. There must be open minds and open hearts. There must be courage, courage, courage. There must be curiosity. Vulnerability. Authenticity. Time to calm down and each find our vocabulary. A willingness to listen without trying to make it better. A sense of safety. We must remove the fear of rejection and judgment. We must allow each other to just be. Not expecting perfection all the time. To sit in a circle. All of us together. We must ask more questions. We must take more time to listen.
There must be the confidence that the other person is receiving us with [endless] love. Trust that we are all coming from a good place. Trust that we are all doing our best, even when done imperfectly. Commitment that we will be gentle with our delivery.
What we need is an opening - of hearts, of clenched fists, of doors.
There is so much to say, and so much to hold, and maybe collectively we can carry it.
Upcoming Events
Poetry Club: Poems About Ritual
Tuesday, November 14th at 7pm EST (Zoom)
The internet’s sweetest gathering is happening on the 14th! Bring a poem you’ve written or a poem you love on the theme. Paid Substack subscribers automatically receive the Zoom link 24 hrs before the event.
In Good Company - a drop in writing workshop
Sunday, November 26th at 10:30am - 12pm EST (Zoom)
Our next gathering of In Good Company (a monthly writing workshop for paid Substack subscribers) is going to be Sunday, November 26th. We’ll be writing about ritual.
No need to register - a Zoom link will be sent out to paid Substack subscribers 24 hrs before.
Dinner With Strangers (sold out)
Wednesday, November 15th and Tuesday, November 28th, 6:30pm EST (Toronto, Ontario)
November’s Dinner With Strangers sold out within minutes, so I added another…and that one sold out within minutes too! Thank you all for your enthusiasm about this event. If you’d like to be the first to know about tickets going on sale for future dinners, please send me a note here.