My dreams are coming true but it's January so I'm wondering if I can take a nap first.
Thoughts on prioritizing rest.
We could say that I have reached peak-January: I am cold, all I’ve been talking about with everyone is the weather, I have a new favorite hat, I’ve been wearing the same grey sweater everyday (prompting me to ask myself if I’m depressed or if it’s just that cozy and I have an emotional fixation with it or something), my productivity is wayyyyy down, my procrastination is wayyyy up, my phone usage? Terrifying. All I want is to read a million books but I’m not reaching for any of them except for the final seven minutes of my day, all I want is soup (more accurate: all I want is for someone to bring me soup), all I want is to curl up and pretend none of this is happening. (Maybe.)
Of course, counter to my traditional January vibes, it feels like life is barreling towards me. It feels like The Time Is Now. It feels like Things Are Happening. I recently booked an event for October. OCTOBER! Do you know how far in advance I usually plan my life, especially in January? I don’t even now what I’m going to have for lunch today.
When I tell you that my dreams are coming true before my eyes, dreams I didn’t even know I had (the best way I can describe it is that there has been a Knowing this whole time, which started as a blip of light, and at best is now a giant mysterious orb that follows me around—not quite sure of its shape, but definitely there, and it reveals parts of itself in new ways every day, and more than that, it’s like other people can finally see the orb, and are inviting me and the orb to party.) So it’s me and this orb, and all of our Make Hay While The Sun Is Shining culture, which is to say hustle culture, which is to say whatever current phase of nightmare capitalism we’re in, would suggest that I’d better carpe diem over here. I’d better say yes and be grateful. I’d better harness my magical orb and make some orb merch (honestly, write that down and remind me in three weeks, we could probably do something with that.)
The hype and attention, and even the invitations, feel antithetical to the literal season of winter, and what my body and spirit are asking me to do, which is move slowly, curl up, not ask much of myself. I don’t know how to meet the moment other than make a list and forget the list and do one thing and take forever to do it and stay up late and fuddle through. I don’t feel brave enough to say this can wait.
I’ve learned a lot about adrenaline over the years (not in a read-anything-about-what’s-actually-physically-happening, just in the noticed-something-fascinating-going-on-in-my-body kind of way… maybe add ‘learn for real about adrenaline’ to the list); our bodies are magical in that they will pump us up with chemicals and sciencey brain things to get us through the thing that needs getting through. I’ve thought to myself, wow, a fourteen hour day, and I’m still on my feet, I’m wired, I can’t fall asleep! I should stay up until 3am until I feel sleepy! and then the next day it feels like a train has hit me. It feels like my body borrowed today’s energy yesterday and I am in a deficit. I marvel at the fact that we can do this: doing what needs to be done, and then our bodies will let us know: no more, I need a rest.
I don’t want to worship the god of Powering Through. I want to do only what I can, and be a marvel of rest. I aim one day to be one of those people who seem like they’re floating, who finish the sentences they start, who only do a few things in a day. I know that striving for this is the only hope of any longevity in cultivating a creative life. I know that my Real Work requires me to be calm enough and present enough to the world around me, so that requires me to prioritize softness over most everything else. Which means that this month, as all this exciting work presents itself to me and I try to do what I can to be of service to my dreams, I am also finding the trust necessary to believe that it can all come in due time.
xo jess.
“I know that my Real Work requires me to be calm enough and present enough to the world around me, so that requires me to prioritize softness over most everything else. Which means that this month, as all this exciting work presents itself to me and I try to do what I can to be of service to my dreams, I am also finding the trust necessary to believe that it can all come in due time.”
Beautiful, Jess 🙏🏻💛✨
"I want to do only what I can, and be a marvel of rest. I aim one day to be one of those people who seem like they’re floating, who finish the sentences they start, who only do a few things in a day. I know that striving for this is the only hope of any longevity in cultivating a creative life."
The word "refining" has been present in my mind as of late. The desire to deepen into the things that truly light me up, rather than scatter my attention among all the ideas that catch my eye and mind. And there are so many because the world is so full of beauty and magic, and yet, a desire to notice and appreciate and delight in, but spend more time with and give my presence to what feel like the pillars, the passions of my days.