In my ideal morning, after I’ve made coffee and done my is-my-body-just-going-to-feel-like-this-forever-maybe-a-daily-stretch-routine-might-help stretches (also slightly aspirational but I’m proud to report that I have stuck to this routine for over a year, mostly out of necessity), I’ll remember that journaling for even five minutes is a great way to start the day. I’ll remember that, historically, I feel better and more connected to my creative self and generally have an easier time focusing for the rest of the morning when I pick up my pen and do a little check-in.
Life has been busy lately, and so I’ve been doing this dance in the morning where first I tell myself that there’s no time for this extending morning routine (the stretching, the journaling), and then I think, well, the busier you are, the MORE imperative it is to check in with yourself! For one thing, I’m probably less likely to check in and ask myself how I’m doing when I’m this busy. And, starting my day with things that make me feel like a human and do not serve the hamster wheel of capitalism and pressure that is all made up is absolutely worth my time, and a statement that I belong to myself first.
Which is all to say, I found myself journaling on Wednesday.
Without any official format, I think what we’re doing when we journal is placing ourselves; when we write down what’s been going on lately, we are saying, this is where I’m at and these are my coordinates in my life - be it “caught up with this friend for dinner and it really filled my cup” or “just got back from a week with my family and it made me think about xyz” or “I’m sitting down to journal for the first time in three weeks and I’ve been on such hardcore autopilot that I have absolutely no idea what I’ve even been doing or thinking or feeling until right now.” All of those are places that we can find ourselves. When we bring our attention to what already has our attention, we are then able to decide if we want to continue to give that thing our preoccupation; whether we realize it or not, there’s a little radio station playing at all times, handing something the microphone. When we tune in, we get to see who’s chattering away, and decide whether or not we’d like them to continue with their little rant.
So on this specific Wednesday, during my journal sesh, I launched straight into a brain dump of all the particular fumbles that have felt particularly strong and particularly frequent and particularly high stakes right now. There is a high level of winging it going on over here at any particular moment, and with that comes trial, comes error, comes adjust as needed, comes maybe not the most efficient/ cost-effective way of launching a business and building a life and executing my time management skills (if I were to tell you how long it’s taken me to write this letter, ssheeeeeouuu I’d be embarrassed. Many snacks/ cups of coffee/ glasses of water/ breaks to scroll on my phone to disassociate from the fact that I don’t know what I should really get done for the rest of my day/ do I want today to be a day where I get anything in particular done have taken place.) I was really going for it, pointing out these character flaws, this faulty wiring it feels like gets in the way of being productive, efficient, and sure about anything. And then I stopped partway through a sentence, and asked myself who has the pen (that is, who has the microphone) right now. The answer: the teeny jerk who lives in my head.
The Self Critic, who can really wail on the chorus of get your shit together before you ruin this thing for good. And instead of doing what I usually do, which is double down and tell myself I’m so horrible for being so horrible to myself, I took a pause and was like, wow, this Self Critic is really afraid right now! They live in a constant state of the-house-is-on-fire. What a horrible state to be in all the time. They are trying to protect me by the *cute* maladaptive practice of beating anyone else to the worst case scenario, the meanest judgment anyone could make, so I can prepare. They attempt to motivate me by pointing out every little thing that is not going great, could be done better. They hover over my shoulder and tap the page and wonder if I’m going to fix this, and fix this, and fix that.
This is probably mindfulness 101, but: by being able to identify what a jerk the Self Critic was being, and that life-changing realization that comes with identifying that the voices in our heads are not us but outside pressures, learned behaviours, and fear, fear, fear, I could actually hear them out without taking on what they were saying. I was able to identify how freaked out I am right now, how alone I feel, and reach out to who and what I need accordingly. I could hold up a hand to the insult train and instead write out a letter from love to that scared Self Critic, thanking them for trying to take care of me and telling them that they’re going to be just fine.
So this week, I want to befriend the ghosts, the monsters under the bed, the ragtag gang of characters yelling from all directions. I want to ask them where they came from and what they think they’re here to do. I want to wrap each of them in a heavy blanket of patience and understanding, make them some tea, and then do the same for myself.
Ways to connect
Poetry Club *this Tuesday!*
Tuesday, September 12th at 7pm - 8:30pm EST
Poetry Club is the internet’s chillest-yet-tender club in all the land. Bring a poem you’ve written or a poem you love based on the month’s theme. This month: Poems about Change.
No need to register for paid Substack subscribers; a Zoom link will automatically be sent to you. If you’re a free subscriber, you can register for Poetry Club here!
Dinner With Strangers
Wednesday, September 20th at 7pm EST (Toronto, Ontario)
This event sold out *happy tear emoji* but October dates will be live soon, plus I’m hosting an online Zoom event to learn how to host your own dinner for strangers as detailed below.
If you want to have me come run a Dinner With Strangers for your community, send me an email at jessjanz@gmail.com to learn more!
In Good Company - a drop in writing workshop
Sunday, September 24th at 10:30am - 12pm EST
Our next gathering of In Good Company (a monthly writing workshop for paid Substack subscribers) is going to be Sunday, September 24th. We’ll be writing about: what do I want to keep?
No need to register - a Zoom link will be sent out to paid Substack subscribers 24 hrs before.
How to Host A Dinner With Strangers: Workshop and Q&A
Wednesday, September 27th at 7pm - 9pm EST
Join me for an introduction to how you can start a dinner series in your area! Hear about how I first started hosting monthly dinners, the components needed to make a great evening come together, and what kinds of questions make for great conversation. This will be part educational, part workshop (we’ll go through some Dinner with Strangers questions!), and we’ll have time for you to ask any questions you may have about starting your own dinner!
This event will be recorded, so even if you cannot make the live occurrence, your purchase here gives you access to the playback at your leisure.
This event is free for paid Substack subscribers! The zoom link will be sent to paid Substack subscribers in advance. To subscribe for my Substack, click here.
Nest In The Inn Between - A Yoga And Writing Retreat With Cassie Conner & Myself
Friday, October 20th - Sunday, October 22nd / Wolfe Island, Ontario
This one is for you, big-feeling people. Join myself and yoga teacher extraordinaire Cassie Connor for a weekend of movement, writing, rest and connection in the heart of the seasonal shift by the lake and around the fire.
Find more info & register here.
Hello critic, hello fear. This essay/meditation/exercise always helps me when i feel that way. You're already doing the work
https://insig.ht/KIHzt6aHiDb
I feel this deeply, thanks Jess ♥️