Is anyone good at celebrating each other?
Thoughts on maybe being an impossible birthday person.
It was my birthday on Monday, and what birthday wouldn’t be complete without at least a mild existential spiral (especially for a twirly swirly Pisces like myself)?
I had a great day—I slept in exactly a teeny bit, and went to a hot yoga class with my friend Nicole at the swanky studio where she’s a member (think candlelight and great branding and funky playlists and people in really pretty yoga sets and a bit of woohoo dancing at the end to really lean into it), and then I had the most relaxing massage of my life. Drool was definitely involved.
Next, the plan was for three friends to come over for happy hour before we headed to our dinner reservation. Two friends were an hour and a half late to said happy hour, which had me, admittedly, quite annoyed, and then it had me feeling insecure and questioning our entire friendship, which then made me more annoyed that I was ascribing that level of meaning to their lateness.
Now, okay, a word on timing etiquette. Sorry friends-who-shall-remain-nameless while I kind of dig into this a bit. Here’s my take: Birthday parties, or parties in general, that have a general start time, ie “come anytime after 7pm!” and that have a “come one, come all” vibe are appropriate to roll into whenever suits you (with a super late arrival, it’s good to let the host know, ie, “I’m coming after work!” “Be there around nine!” “I’ll catch the tail-end!”). When there’s three guests, and a specific itinerary, and a dinner reservation to make it to, you should, like, be generally on time. Or say that a pre-dinner meetup isn’t in your journey! No problem! It was at the very least, pretty annoying, and at most, felt a little disrespectful. I am *not* a come one, come all party kind of person. I am a four-to-eight-people-for-dinner kind of person. I am a have-brunch-lunch-drinks-for-a-week-and-a-half-with-my-respective-different-pockets-of-friends kind of birthday week kind of person. A house party? This closeted-extremely-socially-anxious person? No thank you. You’ve been selected as my selected birthday captains for the Big Day, please come over for paper planes and olives in a prompt manner or I will think our entire friendship is a sham.
Okay okay. This not a post to drag my friends. I shared my big swirly feelings and I also acknowledge that everyone’s lives are busy! And we all have different expectations and things going through our heads about how our actions will land with others! What has been lingering since Monday has been this examination on these Big Holidays and celebrations: birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and the like: what is up with these big days that are steeped in unspoken and subliminal expectations? I didn’t feel like I didn’t communicate my expectations clearly—I wanted to go to a yoga class, go for a massage, and have a yummy dinner at a local favourite restaurant with a couple of friends. And I did all that! If you expect a bouquet of flowers, fanfare, for someone else to do all the planning, or some other way that you like to celebrate whatever you’re celebrating, you should let your people know! So why all this leftover angst?
Here’s where the spiral took me: the underlying unanswered questions to all of this are, am I loved? Am I lovable? That feels intense, and it also feels true. We have this assigned day where it’s up to everyone else to take it upon themselves to make it special for you. And part of that feels contrived. And part of that feels terrifying. Who is going to come to my figurative-but-kinda-literal party? I don’t want to make a big fuss. And I don’t want to feel forgotten either. Am I asking too much by asking for too little?
I guess this has me thinking about what it means to love each other well, which is fraught with our insecurities and histories and preconceived notions and sometimes not realizing what we wanted or what was missing until after the fact and people being busy and tired and missing the mark despite all best efforts and communication styles and love languages and all of our baggage and all the things that make us miss each other in the realm of communication and expression. May we say it clearly, may we ask better questions, may we have grace for each other. (And by we, I mean me, naturally).
xoxo and cheers to all of us for surviving and navigating all this weird human stuff. OOF!
Upcoming Events
Poetry Club
Monday, March 18th at 7pm - 8:30 EST
The internet’s sweetest gathering is happening on the 18th! **Note that this is a Monday, when Poetry Club is usually on a Tuesday.** Bring a poem you’ve written or a poem you love on the theme - rebirth. Paid Substack subscribers automatically receive the Zoom link 24 hrs before the event.
In Good Company - a drop-in writing workshop
Sunday, March 24th at 10am - 11:30 EST
Our next gathering of In Good Company (a monthly writing workshop for paid Substack subscribers) is going to be Sunday, March 24th! The theme will be rebirth.
No need to register - a Zoom link will be sent out to paid Substack subscribers 24 hrs before.
Dinner With Strangers - Seattle
Wednesday, March 20th at 6pm - 10pm PST
I’m heading to the west coast! Join me at Block 41 in Seattle for a night of conversation. and storytelling. Get tickets here!
Psst I’d love to sell this event out! If you have friends in Seattle, would you mind passing this event along to them if you think they’d like it? That would mean the world!
Hosting Intentional Dinners
Monday, March 25th at 7pm - 9 EST
Join me for a two-hour workshop exploring how to get more out of your dinner gathering. Whether you’re looking to bring more intentionality to dinners with your family and friends or start your own dinner series, this workshop is for you. We will cover inviting ways to center dinners around themes, meaningful conversation ideas, dinner preparation, menu ideas, along with setting the table and the mood! There will also be an opportunity for you to ask questions at the end.
If you’re not able to make it live, the workshop will be recorded and your ticket gives you access to view it at a later date. This workshop is free for Substack founding members, who automatically receive the Zoom link 24 hrs before the event. Otherwise, register here!
Dinner With Strangers -Vancouver, BC
Wednesday, March 27th at 6pm - 10pm PST
Fun! This is sold out!
Woe to those
Tardy to our parties
Hosted by poets
You’re sugar to our yeast
And you didn’t even know it
And now we all feast
On your warm crusty loafs
Hold hands
Give thanks
To the tardy oafs
This made me think of the podcast We Can Do Hard Things with Priya Parker, episode 256, how to make gatherings intentional.
You may already know this as someone who hosts Dinners With Strangers.
The dichotomy is real here 😉