An inventory of various things occupying my mind lately.
Welcome to your own personal peek into the abyss.
I realized recently that when people ask me how I’m doing or ask me what’s new, I will instead respond with basically every thought I’ve had in the last 4-89 hours, not limited to reporting on a particularly cute dog I saw on a walk, my thoughts on the neighborhood cat who likes to sit on everyone’s porch so I still haven’t actually figured out where they actually live, and a new startling revelation I’ve learned about being a human in a body on the earth at times such as this.
So I thought for today I’d just give you a taste of a couple of the tabs open in my brain right now. This is not a good time to bring up the fact that I’m not actually sure I know how to have fun. Unless fun is deep diving into our mutual existential angst; there is nowhere I’d rather go with you, really. So grab your swim cap and let’s go swimming.
Regarding the robin’s nest on my porch
Robins built a nest on my porch this summer and I felt like my heart was breaking every time I stepped out of my house. I first noticed the mamma bird all round and perched at the beginning of June, and was thrilled to see three tiny beaks popping over the nest one morning, only to notice there was zero nest activity only a couple days later. Where did they go? What could have happened? I barely care to fathom. Could a raccoon scale that post? Do squirrels care about baby birds?
And then, an even crazier phenomenon: a few weeks later after the sudden vacancy, a robin was back in the nest. Googled: do robins take over each other’s nests? Googled: do robins have multiple babies in one year? Googled: How much caring is too much caring in the robin developments on my porch? Robin #2 also hatched three babies, much to my elation, and their weird slimy alien heads greeted me for three weeks until one day they were all of a sudden big and fluffy and fat. I left for my friend’s cottage early one morning and knew they’d be gone when I got back.
I don’t even know yet what the metaphor is here, other than, like, rebirth, growth, letting go, the tyranny of nature. Maybe the reason I was so unbelievably dialled into these baby birds was that I was needing to witness something living make it in this world.
The news is that there’s no news
I have been on the very wild journey of trying to get a book published, which turns out is like having a massive search and rescue emergency spotlight pointed into the corners of your soul. I don’t have a ton to share on this front, no actual news, but this is occupying 98% of my brain: I write so much, but what do I want to say? What do I want this debut collection to be about? Do I even know what people like about my writing? What do they expect from me? Will my life change along with a successful book? Do I actually have it in me to get this done? [Insert imposter syndrome] [Insert making 40 plan B life plans] [insert the overwhelming urge to look into a crystal ball for a bit of guidance]
Timing is perfect and I would like the perfect time to be right now
It’s literally so annoying how unfortunately true I must admit the truth of this statement. The intricacy of the universe is so much bigger than our cute little brains can comprehend. What I know is that things roll out and arrive and land exactly when they’re meant. If they could just mean to roll out and arrive and land right now, I’d love that so much.
I’m relaunching my dinner series in Toronto in September and that feels so thrilling and terrifying.
I originally moved back to Toronto in February of 2020 to turn the dinner series that my friend Ryan and I had started into a business - and then the pandemic had different plans for both dinner and strangers. So, this has been a long time coming. I’ve found a beautiful space and Very Professional chefs and a new plan and vision for launching this event I love and believe in so much. With the dates rolling out soon, I’m fluctuating between elation and terror: what if I can’t figure out the practical stuff like promotion and marketing? What if people don’t want to come? Who sells cloth napkins that are beautiful that I don’t have to iron individually? Or is ironing 25 napkins a new part of my life?
I am disassociating from the high-stakes stuff in my life right now with figuring out how to do a cute ponytail, you’re welcome
It’s just like, the rules of eyebrows and jeans and hair and what shoes we’re wearing has changed drastically in the last couple years and this sensitive millennial is just trying to keep up, and conveniently works on catching up when all the big, high-stakes stuff just feels too much, so, good news: I’ll be doing some ponytail tutorials with my very own hairdresser Kristen next Tuesday. Allow my crippling existential doubt to up our hair game.
This whole year has been a season of internal churning and I think that’s okay
The level of internal inventory is at an all-time high. I hope that means that a level of internal clarity will be the result.
So there you have it, some broody feelings, some reflections, some sort-of updates. What is the soup of your life made up of lately?
Seriously, thank you for being a part of my community. Getting to share my thoughts and musings and work with you, and create spaces for us to gather is my absolute dream, a gift you’ve all given to me. (And if you could just tell me real quick what book you want so I don’t have to make any more executive decisions I’d love you even more tysm)
xo jess.
Upcoming events
Poetry Club - Tuesday, August 8th at 7pm-8:30pm EST on Zoom
Next month we’re talking about connection - how we connect to each other, and how we connect to ourselves!
Dinner With Strangers - Friday, August 11th at 7pm EST - Moffat, Ontario
Come have dinner with me and nine of your future friends! No work talk, guided conversation, great food, all at Shiloh Barn in Moffat, Ontario. Save your seat here!
In Good Company - Sunday, August 20th, 10:30am-12pm EST on Zoom
Join me for a monthly drop-in writing workshop - this is exclusively for paid Substack subscribers! Save the date - Zoom link will automatically sent out 24 hours before the event.