Am I 'supposed' to be 'doing' anything this week?
Thoughts on rest/ not resting/ is there such thing as being 'good' at rest and if so I am not thriving.
Hello, I don’t know what day it is. I am fully in the vortex of holiday confusion. I didn’t have a cookie for breakfast today, but I sure did yesterday. The homemade Bailey’s might make it into my second coffee. I have spent the last four days zipping around the lower mainland, piling into family’s houses full of cousins and turkey roasts and crackers and cheese.
Because half of my suitcase was full of presents for my family, I myself packed very light—I have like three shirts for six days. Everything was so full to the brim that I didn’t even pack a book. I thought, I always bring three books and never have time to read, why bring one? Alas, in the pockets of downtime, I’ve found myself messing about on my phone. And then thinking, should I be taking a break from my phone? Then: should I also declare to the masses that I’m taking a break so whomstever would like to maybe contact me could send me an email? Is it okay to sort of take a break or do I need to make a hard and fast rule for myself? Full social media untangling for six days? Well, I’m four days in, so why start now? Should I be meditating? Should I be really leaning into the nature around me? Should I answer these emails? Should I not answer these emails? Should I think of something helpful to say?
All that to say: I’m sort of winging it on what kind of holiday I’m having, and that feels weird.
And then it feels weird that I feel as if I’m supposed to decide what kind of holiday I’m supposed to have.
As a professional dilly dallier, I am really good at having a day disappear without much happening. I can meander like it’s my job (it arguably kind of is my job…) I can take four eternities to get ready to leave the house when left to my own devices. I can get overwhelmed with decision making and task execution (hi, ADHD) and therefore a tiny bit of structure, even for periods of rest and time off and vacation helps me to feel a bit more contained, safe, and intentional, like I get what I need from a time such as this as opposed to time passing and wondering what even happened. So where is the line between reflecting enough to set myself up for the kind of holiday I need, and making rest and unwinding from productivity its own morality/ Successful Human olympics?
Anyway, I am not some aspirational beacon of restorative, intentional rest and reflection this holiday. Resting well means, actually, maybe, just rolling with the day and changing your mind a dozen times on what you need, and then indulging in (that is to say: not denying) that need. Over here, there have been multiple couch naps (my favourite kind: still kind of in the action, dozing in and out, never sleeping deep enough that I get into that groggy zone). My phone has stayed tucked in my bag at all gatherings, resulting in exactly zero photos of anything, other than some videos of my nephew being perfect and adorable. I’ve nestled in close with some of my favourite humans. My body is sleeping in and going to bed early and falling asleep in the car within five minutes. I’m doing nothing in particular, and that’s completely fine.
May we be present enough with our needs to honour them, however clear or abstract they might be.
xo jess.
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" I can take four eternities to get ready to leave the house when left to my own devices." I giggled to myself at that line because I know it so well. There is no part of me that enjoys rushing.
I woke up to a cold house this morning. We heat mainly with a wood stove, and the fire had gone mostly out overnight. As I stirred up the coals and added more wood and watched the embers ignite the logs, I thought about the need for steady, present tending. How when I don't pay attention to the fire, it burns fast and too hot and goes out quickly. But when I am attentive and present to it, it burns slowly and with deep, consistent warmth. And at that point I was thinking, of course, about the relationships, the passions, the practices and rituals that make up my days. And that with slow, steady tending, these connections grow deeper in the way that I desire.
Tending to your days in presence and in the company of that sweet baby in pajamas sounds fairly perfect. Enjoy the magic in the slow.
Presence and rest, yes 🙌🏻