A psychic forgot to call me back and because of that, I got the answer I was looking for.
An essay on intuition and trusting ourselves to know what we need.
Last week, my Gym Friend Michelle and I were having our post-workout gab while waiting for my tomato face to return to a bit more of a neutral colour and stretch our not-in-our-twenties-anymore hip flexors, and I was telling her about the many forks in the road that have presented themselves. If only I could outsource my decision making, I lamented, shaking my head. Thus it came about that she gave me the number to her psychic, and for $40 she’d call me and tell me what the spirit guides have to say on the matter. At the very least I’d hear some nice words and feel encouraged and at most she will tell me what to do with my entire life and I’ll never have to worry or wonder about anything again. And in my current worried and wondering state, that sounds particularly appealing.
On Monday, I went to the earlier workout class and moved some things around to make sure I had my 30 minutes free to tap into my energy portal and prep my innermost questions for the guides etc etc, and 11am, I sat cross-legged on my floor with a fresh cup of coffee (the ultimate blessing from our ancestors, obviously), took a few deep breaths (I was really getting into it) and even lit a candle (I’m now a little embarrassed at this fact). 11:01 passed, and then 11:05, 11:10. I hate the feeling of like, am I supposed to call? Do I give it more time? I guess it checks out that a psychic would function a little outside normal time and space, just be patient. Even though I was cutting it close with another meeting at 12. I called and texted twice, even though my Gym Friend said she doesn’t respond to texts. I started blow drying my hair with one airpod in my ear so I wouldn’t miss this call with the divine. She never called me.
Of course, the irony of a psychic forgetting to call me back is an incredible punchline.
Throughout the day I wrestled with my initial annoyance that I had changed my day around for this missed appointment, along with a bit of embarrassment that I had sought out some sort of guidance from a psychic in the first place, what with my fluctuating feelings between cynicism and doubt mixed with a bit of curiosity and what-could-it-hurt-to-see-what-she-says-ness. And then I found myself thinking, I really needed her to tell me to do this, or not do this. I wanted her to tell me this specific outcome is okay to go after, to insist on, that it’s okay to stick to my guns on this thing, that this is the door to walk through that will lead to all the other paths and doors and forks and roads I’ve been dreaming of crossing. And then I thought, why is it that I’m looking for outside affirmation about where I want this all to go? In realizing what I was hoping this psychic would see in the stars/ through her cards and intuition, I remembered that I have an intuition all my own. I have an inner knowing that is wise and calm and knows which direction to steer this ship. I have a sacred understanding of what I want my work to mean and what I want to speak about and what conversations I want to have with my community. I know myself and my art and the story I’ve been working on telling. I can trust myself and the desires that have been planted and growing and nurtured within me.
Of course, doing a temperature check with friends and/or a therapist and/or a psychic can help us make sure we’re not acting from our fear or insecurities or obligation. We can sometimes stand too close to the thing and need a loving voice to remind us to take a few steps back to take in the full picture clearly. But we are each our own divine, wise guides, who know what a yes feels like: full-bodied, still, steady, and thunderous. I don’t need permission to go towards the light. I don’t need permission to walk away from anything that isn’t for me.
Now to muster the courage to listen to that inner voice.
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I used to visit a psychic every year. It was like a yearly doctor check up. Now, I quiet the noise and listen to the still, small voice inside me who knows instead ✨
Ooo this resonates so much! Lately I’ve been trying to notice when I feel an urge to seek opinions outside of myself, and when I do, how I think about presenting the question / situation to others- those thoughts - behold some answers 💫